Philosophical Musings

Hey All, Just thought I'd clock in on my last day of the fast (day 60) and report I broke the 200 barrier and finished at 199 lbs. That was my mental goal, and it appears my body has cooperated. Tomorrow I start my transition back into eating solid foods, and thus begins my anxiety around keeping good eating and exercise habits going into the future. I expect to gain an instant 5-10 lbs from refilling my digestive track, which will put me around 210, but from there I hope to work down to a target weight of 175 lbs the old-fashioned way of exercise and caloric restriction. realistically, if I can get to 185 lbs, but I have decent musculature, I'll be totally stoked. Some folks are astounded by my ability to fast for 60 days and say I have tons of willpower, but frankly fasting is way easier than just watching what I eat. My issue is that I love food a whole lot, and I love a lot of food more. I love the stuff that's really bad for you too, like beef ribs and fatty cuts of meat. I also love coffee, and lots of it. All of these things have to be severely curtailed in my new life. Of course, having fasted willingly for 60 days, one would think that this should all be a breeze for me, right? Except, I've done this fast several times before, and every single time, while it keeps for a while, I get lazy and I stop caring, and I put the weight back on. What I need is a permanent change in my attitude about my body image, and my health. What's different this time around, is that I got a warning from the Doc about my liver, and the weight loss was for more than aesthetic purposes - that means keeping it off is for the same reasons. I've never really enjoyed working out or doing exercise, but I have to form new habits and new attitudes. Time to join the Gym, join weight watchers, and get on the life-long program that will keep me in shape and healthy into my later years. I'm in my mid-thirties, and this is when things traditionally start to shift in health from easy to hard, and it just gets harder as you get older, so this is the time to establish all those good habits. I've got the will, but I'm not certain if I have the willpower. Anyhow, I'm on the eve of my return to the eating, and I'm just feeling anxious. I'll keep you posted on how it goes in the weeks and months to come.

Hey all - sorry I didn't keep up my promise to blog every day about my fasting experience - it's been going great, and frankly it's the one thing that's probably kept me stable during this month of business overwhelm. In short, we had an issue with one of our clients (and with one of our contractors) that set us back a great deal in time and cash, and it's been all we've been able to do to recover, and only now are we starting to see the light (but we're not quite there yet). I don't want to go into too many details, but let's just say, I'm lucky I'm having enough time to post even now. So, today is fasting day 55 (56 technically, but it's 2am and I haven't gone to bed yet), and I weighed in at 203 this morning. June 30th is my last day, and while I'm not having a struggle with the fast (I could probably go another 30 days without any issue), I'm feeling like it's time to wind it down. I'll finish up probably around 200 lbs, and I'll gain back about 5-10 from just filling my digestive system back up, but my target weight is still around 170, so I'll have another 30-40 lbs to lose with good old fashioned exercise and portion/content control. I can't wait to go back to my doctor and see how my stats measure up now. I've been keeping my blood pressure periodically, and it's dropped dramatically with my weight. I'll have to get blood tests for my other stats. I've been asked if I'm excited to be eating again, and the truth is, I'm probaby more anxious and frightened/concerned than I am excited. Don't get me wrong, I *love* to eat, and really that's the issue. I hope that I can successfully adopt good eating and exercise habits to hold on to the successes I've achieved over the last two months. It's so very easy to put on weight, and I personally can do it at the drop of a hat. It won't be an easy undertaking to continue to drop weight after my magic bullet cure is over. It'd be easier to just fast my way down to my goal weight, and perhaps in the future I might end up doing just that, but I want to try my hand at adopting a more conventional means of achieving my goal and at the same time learn healthy habits. Anyhow, it's late and I need to hit the sack. One small note - I went to see The Dark Knight tonight - FANTASTIC.

I had this long post all prepared yesterday to talk about Julie and my weekend in Napa, but that is going to have to wait. Tonight at 11pm, we had to put Tomo to sleep. But let me start at the beginning. About a week and a half ago, while I was away with Eli at a cub scout overnight, Julie was at home with Isaac and the pets, and Tomo started barfing repeatedly all night long, and got really sick. We'd seen her do something like this once before several weeks prior, but she got over it, so we didn't think anything of it. However, this time, Tomo was really weak and wasn't getting any better. We took her in to the emergency vet, and after a fairly expensive test battery, they determined/surmised that she had a stomach torsion - which is when the belly flips over on itself inside the abdominal cavity, cutting off the ins and outs of the stomach, and evidently the only treatment is surgery or it can be fatal. We opted for the surgery, and Tomo has been recovering all week long. A few days ago, however, she started looking really bad, and we took her into the vet, who did another set of highly expensive tests that were ultimately inconclusive. We brought her home, and earlier today she slipped back into looking really bad, so Julie brought her into the emergency vet, and they took a look at her. They did a battery of tests, and all the while her condition rapidly worsened, including very labored breathing. As it turns out, she had fluid inside and around the lungs, and they determined the most likely cause was cancer, and this was probably related to / the cause of the bloating that led to the stomach torsion. The condition is terminal (I'm not up to doggie chemo), and her condition was really really bad, so we opted to say goodbye and let her go in dignity, with both her mommy and daddy with her, giving her love. She was in a lot of pain, so they had her doped up and sadly she wasn't all that present, but perhaps that's also for the best.

I'm still a little numb around it all, and feeling the loss deep inside but I'm not letting it overwhelm me just yet. We spent almost a dozen years with that puppy, and it's a lot to grapple with in saying goodbye. Memories, regrets, happy times and hard ones - she was a joy and a pain in the butt, so very smart and so very dumb at the same time, but always loving. Right now I just miss the way she'd follow me around the house and lay down near where I was at any given time, just to be near her alpha male. I'll never hear her snore or watch her bark at dream doggies ever again. No more face licks and stinky breath. No more tug-of-wars, and tripping over her all the time. And now, when food hits the floor - I have to clean it up by hand.

My only wish is that these last few days weren't so very hard on her, with shoving pills down her throat, watching her be in pain and lose control of her bladder, and really to have her fall apart in such a short and dramatic way. At least she didn't suffer over too long a period.

Tomo, we'll miss you.

Today I am on day 20 of the fast, and I weighed in at 229 (did yesterday as well, but I suspect yesterday was nearer 230, and today was nearer 228) - feeling great, and there is something magical about crossing the day 20 mark. My consciousness is bright and clear, and today's yoga class kicked major ass. After my best inversions ever, I was running around like I was buzzed on a triple espresso (just ask Julie!). Today I've felt fantastic, and revving for the world. This weekend Julie and I are going to Napa for the weekend, where we will enjoy luxurious spa treatments and take a hot air balloon ride in celebration of our 13th wedding anniversary (June 18th).

We're heading out after dinner tonight, so I'll make contact if I can, but if not, you'll get my update on Monday!

Today is day 18, I'm weighing in at 231 (yesterday I broke the set point at 233), and I finally feel like my fundamental body shape is changing. The dominant belly is really reducing (tho I have at least 10-15 more pounds to go before it's dramatically different). I find that I am waking up immediately in the mornings, and my body isn't heavy, and I'm not as clumsy as I used to be. Every cell is up and at attention. I'm starting also to get so far into the fast, that I'm having problems remembering to take my fluids at times, and it might be two or three hours past my assigned time that I finally remember to get something to drink. Mornings are always easier than the evenings as far as my mental boredom with the items in my juice bag, and drinking the veggie broth is always the worst. However, I went to Cafe Gratitude for the first time last night with a friend, and it was pretty cool in their selection of different inventive juices (and foods - gonna try it out when I'm eating again). Found out there's one in San Rafael, so I won't even have to go that far (though the one in the city is pretty cool).

On the doggie front, Tomo is back at home and recovering, though she's not liking to take her medication. Her throat got all raw from both the barfing and from the tubes they had down her throat, so she's unhappy with anything we force her to eat. Only time now will heal the wounds, and with the surgery, we're fairly assured that this particular thing won't happen again.

So, the fast is going well, although I'm at another set point and haven't moved from 234 in a few days. Tonight I cooked dinner for Julie and her parents for Father's day, and it was an interesting experience. This is the first time I've cooked dinner for anyone where I haven't actually partook of the meal as well. Shades of what a chef must feel like. It was nice.

But that's not the complaint. The reason this has been a suckfest weekend, is for several reasons:

1) Julie's computer died on Saturday and we were forced to buy a new one (repairs would take too long and would basically shut down her ability to do work on our business. There is no question.) $2600 gone.

2) Tomo, our dog, has developed some nasty stomach twist or inversion (http://www.healthypet.com/library_view.aspx?ID=30&sid=1) that cost roughly $2000 to diagnose, and is going to cost us another $4500 to fix. They have to do surgery, and hopefully it all works out okay. Last night she was puking all night long, and in terrible pain. We took her into the pet emergency hospital, and are now deciding to either have the hospital do the surgery, or our regular vet. We're going to try to wait until the morning and talk to our vet, unless the hospital calls us back and tells us we can't wait any longer.

So we've blown roughly $10k this weekend, and at a time where we're hemorrhaging money due to starting up several businesses. Ugh. I guess that's why we have home equity lines of credit (while they still work). But, the Universe takes care of her own, and money comes easily and frequently to us (positive mantra), so we'll just have to hustle a bit more, and we'll make up for it.

Right? Right?

*Sigh*

Hello everyone - easy to tell what day it is on the fast, since I started on the 1st. Today's the thirteenth, and I'm down to 234 pounds. It's astounding the difference in consciousness and body consciousness you feel when you drop 30 pounds. I find myself more alert, and calmer. I'm also getting a decent amount of exercise these days, with daily walks of 1-2 miles, and I'm about to head off for my Friday yoga class, which always kicks my ass. It's been a couple of weeks, so it should be interesting to get folks' reaction to my different appearance. One thing I'm starting to realize as I shed the pounds is just how thin I really am underneath all this bulk. I mean, I'm just not an athletic kinda guy, and my arms and legs are kinda small once you remove all the fat. I don't do the muscle building necessary to justify my apparent frame, and it'll be interesting how I redefine myself after this is through. I've always seen myself as a 'big' guy, so if I'm not fat, I've got to be muscle-bound - those are the options for big guys, right? Well - what if I'm neither? What if I'm actually kind of a thinner guy, with longer muscles instead of thick powerful ones? I remember in high school being better at long-distance running than sprinting, and I've never really been all that strong. I mean, I'm 'guy' strong, but I'm not a weight lifter. Maybe I'm a thin yoga guy. Hmm... In order to stay that way, however, I'm gonna have to be much more athletic. I love to hike, and to walk - these things actually come pretty easily to me. And doing it every day has been a tremendous boon to my body healing. The thing that's been tripping me out the most, however, is my relationship to sleep. Without the caffeine, I'm completely subject to the affects of my normal cycle, and I'm requiring 7-8 hours of sleep every night now. If I don't get it, I totally feel it the next day, and I don't even consider it to be a question or option anymore. When it's bedtime, I go. Sometimes I'm even in bed before Julie, which is just crazy talk. I also know that there is growing evidence between sleep deprivation and obesity, and well... I don't want to be fat anymore, so I guess I just have to start sleeping. Okay, gotta run, talk to you all probably after the weekend - I'm taking Eli on a Cub Scout outting to sleep over on a square-rigged ship in the SF Bay, then it's off to the Pirate festival on Sunday! Arrr....

This morning is day 11, and I'm down to 238. Broke through the set point, and I'm on the descent into the next weight class. Every day I'm feeling healthier and much smaller in myself, although I'm still pretty big. It's like freedom not having to put out so much physical effort to do physical things. A drop in 27 pounds has been a great burden off of my heart and lungs, as well as my muscles. I'm walking much more easily, without being winded, and my blood pressure and pulse continue to drop. I can safely say that if I ever get to 240 again, that's DEFCON 5 and signs for emergency intervention. I should never get as high as 265 - that's just plain dangerous. I am definitely starting to become aware of the differences between my body feeling hungry, and my stomach feeling hungry, and my mind feeling hungry. I am dropping weight fast, so there is no denying that my body is 'hungry' - it's consuming itself instead of external fuel (though I have to report no feeling of 'weakness', just a sense that my body wishes it had external fuel, instead of working on its own reserves). That's the desired effect, and I have to come to a peace with that while it's happening, or else it will break my resolve. Luckily, my mind is feeling absolutely fine in terms of functioning and clarity, so I don't have any of the symptoms of starvation that affect consciousness. Also, my stomach is never growly, grumbly, or knotted - it's functionally asleep, along with the rest of my digestive system. It's funny, in our normal every-day world, these bits are all intermingled, and it's hard to differentiate between them. When you're fasting intelligently, however, you fulfill the needs of certain systems while denying others, and they come apart into their separate functioning units right before your eyes. If you move outside of your conditioned responses and become observant, you start to notice all sorts of fascinating things. As for the day, usually mornings are easiest, as I've purged a lot of toxins out of my system, and my energy level is high and my alertness is high. Into the afternoon, I can feel the toxins build up again and threaten to reabsorb into my tissues, and my alertness starts to stagger a bit. Usually I pick back up into the evening, but again all of those normal shifts in biorhythms have been masked for years by habitual coffee drinking, so I'm re-learning how to be with my natural state. In general, I find my concentration more steady, and my mood even. The up-and-down stress of stimulants can really put you out of touch with yourself, and you live in a general haze that's only alleviated somewhat with regular dosing of your drug. What a bummer to realize that your favorite drug is putting you in a stupor. :) Okay, off to do my morning ritual. I'll keep checking in. Oh, also, walked 2.2 miles yesterday without a struggle. Not sure I could have done that a few weeks ago.

I've been on a plateau over the last few days as far as weight loss has gone (hit a set point), but this morning I spilled over and dropped to 240. I've pretty much naturalized into the fast, and last night I started having some insights around philosophical issues that I haven't been available to in recent times. Energy levels are good (still getting used to not being driven forward with caffeine and listening to my natural call of sleep and rest) and purging all sorts of toxins. The morning 'cleansings' are becoming more and more essential, as I can feel the build-up over the nighttime in the morning. Waited a little too long this morning, and I think some of the toxins started to re-absorb into my system, making me feel oogie. My mouth is bored of the fast, I have to say. There's just no joy in apple juice and veggie broth. I have to live vicariously in the smells of the foods around me, and quietly sigh within. *sigh*. :) But, I am having lots of fun feeling myself in my new weight zone. It's still way more than I want to carry on me, but I already feel lighter and more able to do aerobic exercise without huffing and puffing. twenty more pounds, and I'll be feeling even better.

but, speaking of that lack of caffeine to drive me, it's nearly 11pm and I'm in need of sleep. I've pushed the envelope too much over the last few days (4-6 hrs sleep), and it's catching up with me. So, ttfn and I'll report on the other side of double digit fast days tomorrow.

Weighed in today at 242 lbs, and feeling good, but my body is definitely pushing out more toxins and I'm waking up with a mouth full of ick every day. All part of the program. I am finding that my senses are much more acute (sight, smells, etc.) and I'm definitely feeling more in my body these days. I still have some desire to eat what is around me, but it's not a body desire - my mind just likes the smells I'm smelling, and would love to taste them. But, I'm keeping myself occupied with other things and the desires go away. I'm happy to be on the lower end of this weight class, but I'm looking forward to jumping back down below 220 - that's decent for me (not best, but it's at the top of the next weight class). My goal for the fast is to drop below 200, and my ultimate goal for my body and health is to be between 160-180lbs, depending on my muscle mass at the time. I weighed 180 in high school, but I know even then I was carrying more weight than I needed. 160 would be fighting trim, and I won't be able to maintain that weight without consistent exercise and relatively restricted diet. We'll see when I get closer what my body and mind want to do. Right now, I focus on 200.